An old demon revisiting

Hello. My name is Laura Rose and I’m selfish.

For alcoholics there is help to be found in Alcoholics Anonymous. For overeaters, there is Overeaters Anonymous. For people who talk too much there’s On and On Anon. (Hee-hee! Sorry I couldn’t resist.) Often there is nothing anonymous about being selfish. Selfish people tend to be obvious; they are greedy, self-centered, unconcerned with following rules or laws, they don’t listen to others and may talk a lot and the most obvious of all – they don’t share. Some of us are more closeted. The selfishness lies within our thoughts and rarely manifests itself outwardly. Some of you know me well and may (or may not) be surprised to be reading this about me. I love people. I loved teaching piano and being a part of your lives and making a difference. I often bent over backward for my students because they deserved it and I wanted to and we all relished the results. So outwardly I probably did not appear to be particularly selfish. And, frankly, compared with who I was in my 20’s I have stepped outside of myself considerably. Well my old demon is alive and kicking this week.

I got some bad news Thursday night. My father called to tell me that my mother is in intensive care in the hospital. Briefly, this is what I know. She lost consciousness. He could not revive her nor could the paramedics. She was admitted into one hospital, transferred to another, put on a respirator and is now stable (though sedated and in and out of consciousness) with little to no help from an IV. They suspect an embolism and want to do a CAT scan or MRI on her but she is not breathing strongly enough on her own for that so we are, at this posting, waiting. This is not something selfish people like to do.

I was pretty stunned when he told me but, given my mom’s weakening health over the last several years, I was not caught completely off guard. Reality is rarely what we think it will be. My first reaction was getting all the facts I could from my father and asking him how he was doing in all this.

My second reaction? Brace yourself. ‘Oh, I don’t have to study tonight because I can say I was too upset.’

Poor me.

My dear mother is in the hospital and I’ve found an out to doing homework. Lovely.

Now, the good part of this is that I immediately recognized what I was trying to do and, after making a call or two, I studied. A little. I perhaps should mention that my class was scheduled for a field trip to a Russian grocery store the next morning and I had specific vocabulary and phrases to learn and use.

I had a little chat with myself about how I was capable of being worried and studying at the same time. I told myself that if other human beings could survive earthquakes and tsunamis then I could be scared and sad for my mother and learn a few Russian words and phrases. I threw in the old “she would want that.” I told myself to not tell my class about it until after the field trip. Holding news inside is easy for me if it is confidential but difficult for me if it is not.

On the way to the Russian store we had to move and stop for two ambulances. This made me teary because I realized that my mother had to be transported to the hospital in an ambulance. I realized as the tears welled up that I could stop them or let them flow. I considered the others noticing and half hoped they would. I did stop the tears because we had all been looking forward to this trip and I didn’t want to spoil it on any level. It just bothers me that I have been so fixated on myself.

Now, so I don’t paint too horrible a picture of myself, let me say that I have been thinking about my mother. I’ve called and spoken to the nurse, I’ve written my mother, I’m praying a lot for her, etc. I’m debating whether or not I should hop the next plane to be by her side. Even that decision is fraught with selfless and selfish thoughts:

- What good could I do there? Support my dad. This, of course begs the question, could my dad and I live under the same roof without my mother refereeing? Do I really want to find out? Does he? Show physical support for my mother – be there when she wakes up. I don’t think she’d want me to see her full of tubes. Then again, she always wants to see me. She has a living will so I don’t want to be this far away from her. This is scary.

- I’d miss Russian class. This would bother my mother and me; it would make us both feel guilty.

- I’d be away from Doug. This would be hard on us, though he is busy with Russian classes and our time together is often spent in silent studying.

- And the question that no one in my position can answer: When should I go there? If I go now and she gets sent home with a clear bill of health and I return, what if something happens the next week. Not to be real crass but flying back and forth gets burdensome and EXPENSIVE. Selfish.

- If I fly there now, I’ll miss the yard party at Jean and Ed’s Saturday. This was a doozy for me. I am so ashamed that I actually weighed missing a yard party with being at my sick mother’s side.

I hate this.

Anyone out there been through this and have any advice.

As I write I wonder if I'm making too big a deal out of all these thoughts. Maybe I'm just a little paranoid of reverting back to the old me so I latch on to any potential sign of it. I hope that's all this is. My mom reads my blog - when she's conscious - and I don't want her to think she raised this selfish thing nor do I want her to think that she has caused any of this.

It could be that all this intensive self-examination may be my way of not finding myself thinking about my mother laying in the hospital bed with her hands tied (so she doesn't pull the respirator tube out of her throat).

I guess this is why we (I) write.