Well, it Depends . . .

Dedicated to Zoe

Beginning late January 2007 I became a dependant. I only know this in looking back; I did not know it at the time. I became dependant, at various times, on myself, my husband Doug, the economy, the dedication of my students and their families, our government, God and fate.

First, Doug lost his job and I became our sole source of income in addition to the severance pay he was given. I was a piano teacher. I’ll pause and let you laugh a bit. If it sounds more like Doug was the dependent it’s just an illusion. That was (again, unbeknownst to me at the time) probably the beginning of our nation’s recession or depression or obsession or whatever this is or was that we are or were in. I was teaching around 40 piano students at the time. I rarely actually count them; it scares me. During the 17 ½ months Doug was unemployed I was actually able to take on a few more students. At $23. per ½ hour before extortion, I mean taxes, I wasn’t bringing home a lot.

Ever vigilant, Doug researched unemployment at his stage in life and career and found out that the average time period looking for a job was a year and a half.

He turned in many applications, most of which were completely ignored (a sad state of corporate America and general cordiality). Those who did respond found themselves unable to categorize him. In his past jobs he oversaw accounting, human resources, facilities and anything else he saw that needed attended to that no one else was doing. However, he was not an accountant or a human resources specialist. His double major was Political Science (focusing on the then Soviet Union) and International Relations. He also had an MIM (Masters of International Management). Many positions he applied for they deemed him overqualified. He couldn’t do anything (short of lying) to prevent them from seeing him as overqualified but he could bring some focus into his resume. He decided to get certified in Human Resources.

I was holding together pretty well. It was nice having Doug home during the day. He enjoyed making stew so when I came home the house smelled welcome and wintery.

Between his severance and my income and some easy budgeting we were able to get by easily without ever touching our savings. We scaled back our mortgage payment to the minimum, canceled a periodical or two, I gave up my private piano lessons and piano pedagogy classes and we did very little buying. We explored free things to do which proved to be quite fun. For example, I remember a week during which the Schubert Club in downtown St. Paul offered a free concert every day at noon. We went to most of them. We also used the bus when we could to avoid the expense of driving. This was easier than I ever expected and we continued using the bus even after our income was up again.

One reaction we had to Doug’s job loss was surprising. Immediately and almost instinctively we looked around the house and asked “What can we get rid of?” Just when you’d think we’d take stock of what we had that was usable, we wanted to purge. So we cleaned up the basement and some closets and drawers and donated a lot of things to St. Vincent de Paul. If I were a better writer I could draw a parallel between the two. Let’s see, he loses his job against his will; we willingly rid ourselves of things we no longer need or want. It could be that his job was no longer needed or wanted and he just didn’t realize it. Perhaps in a time of need we decided to give. Maybe we were ready to live very basically – little income, a good amount of uncertainty, less stuff (and no new stuff), just the two of us existing together examining our lives at present and yet to come. Yes.

I am blessed and fortunate to be with someone as wonderful as Doug. Not only has he set a good example in his living, loved me actively, instilled in me an urgency and desire to learn, work with me to seek a better life for us inside and out and been great company all the while, he has worked hard to provide a very nice lifestyle for us. We have been able to travel, attend concerts, eat out, buy nice clothes and give gifts to friends and donate to charities. If I were single, I wonder (with not a little fear) where I’d be. I have always worked hard but I have never had high paying jobs. Without Doug, I’d likely not own a home nor would I enjoy the comfort of the savings we have. I would not have been able to afford to go back to school to study piano pedagogy as well as study piano or voice privately.

Yet, to be fair, I must be grateful to myself for becoming who I’ve become. I take genuine pleasure in simplicity – walks with Doug, storytelling, reading to someone or listening to someone read to me, gathering with friends and singing in someone’s home, parties that never leave the kitchen, on and on. I didn’t overreact by feeling sorry for myself, showing anger or panicking by running out and getting extra jobs that would have run me down in so many ways. I did get frustrated at times when I wondered if he was doing absolutely everything out there to find a job. I did put that in his face more than once. But I can honestly say that I held faith in Doug and the way he was handling the situation.

Doug was unemployed one other time in our years together. He quit a job (that in my opinion he should have quit months earlier) after putting up with a dishonest boss making him false promises and generally being used and abused by him. The weeks following were horrible. I cannot speak for Doug, but I think he was depressed. He stayed in his pajamas most of the days, watched a lot of TV and did almost nothing around the house while I worked teaching at the YMCA and a couple dozen or so piano students. This did not last long. But the memory of it is vivid to me. It was a scary time. What is fascinating to me is the opposite reactions he had to both job losses. When he was in control (he quit) he seemed to fall apart and give up. When he was fired (unjustly, in my limited, distant vantage point), he took control of everything around him. The night he came home that January with the news that he had been let go, we went out to dinner. We then planned a Caribbean cruise (using a travel voucher that the company had given him as a Christmas gift). I wonder if Doug felt guilty for leaving the fledgling start-up company. I had never considered that before now. He is a very loyal man – sometimes, by what I see, to a fault. So when he quit the company he proceeded to punish himself. Yet when someone forced him out he refused to stay down by building himself up to a point that he must be reckoned with. Laura Rose, psychological evaluations, free online.