Searching for My Soul - Is My Mind in the Way?

I like this spiritual emphasis I am in lately. It’s only been a couple of weeks (at this posting, it’s been several weeks) but I have found myself often looking forward to quiet times – prayer time - because I know I’ll get something lasting from them. I sometimes feel more a sense of obligation and sometimes dread – will I be able to focus? Am I insulting the Lord when I can’t? I’m learning to just ride those feelings out - no guilt, no defeat, just dread and worry.

What I had hoped would happen in these quiet times is, I believe, happening. I am ‘hearing’ God’s voice more clearly. I don’t mean like Moses at the burning bush, I mean the indwelling Holy Spirit communicating with me. Usually when I think I’m hearing from God it is a thought that slides into the front of my mind that I don’t feel like I could or would have come up with myself. It was given to me. I have always had the idea of prayer as being something concentrated between me and God or Jesus whichever aspect I’m thinking of at the time. That’s fine when my mind can stay there. But what about the days when it won’t park itself? I have discovered many ways to commune with God that are rewarding and very doable. Some days I just tune into my senses while walking around outside. I simply appreciate nature. Some days I meditate by sitting in a chair with my eyes half closed, perhaps a candle lit before me and I breathe for a half hour. That’s it; I send everything I can away in my breath. If I remember correctly, the root for the word spirit comes from breath so it may all be very intricately connected. Some days I have a topic I dwell on like my body being the temple of the Lord or my spirit/my soul – are they the same? Do I have access to them now? I have thought about how Muslims pray (I think) six times a day. At first that was overwhelming to me. But I have tried it and, frankly, for those of us with short attention spans, it’s nice to check in several times for a few minutes rather than trying to tune in for one longer period of time. The Bible says “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). I don’t know how literal that is supposed to be, but in checking in several times a day the thought is never far and just may be what the author had in mind. One day, I was having quiet time while on the treadmill. Someone came in next to me and we were introduced. I said hello then proceeded to ignore her. Not rudely, I just had nothing to say because I was in prayer. I felt a little guilty because she was visiting one of the few friends I have made here. Anyway, this voice inside me said that talking with others can be a fine way of spending quiet time as God dwells in all of us. I don’t mean to imply that any old thing I do constitutes time with God, I am learning that there are many surprising ways to do it that I can fit in to my current mood.

I watched on Oprah show one afternoon. Hillary Swank was on with a small group of women who were doing things outside their comfort zone (roller derby, sky diving and public skinny dipping). We were left with this thrilling feeling of putting ourselves out there for challenges so we could see what we’re made of. I watched the show quite pleased that right now I am preparing myself for just such a challenge. I have started learning Russian on my own (with Doug’s patient guidance) so I have a head start on the January class. Have I mentioned that this Russian class meets five days a week for five classroom hours per day plus three hours of independent study daily? I have also set high standards for myself which I am alternately keeping and not keeping.

One more thought today. Dreams. I have always dreamed very vividly and lucidly. Freud and Jung showed the importance of dreams in knowing oneself and in problem solving. Ancient tribes saw them as a second life one lived. The Bible has many accounts of God speaking to people through dreams.

I had two very telling dreams the other night; both recurrent in theme, both turning out very differently than the norm. In one, I am in the bathroom at my parent’s house, the door is closed and my sister is in the hall on the other side of the door. I am asking her something. I hear her but cannot understand what she is saying. After asking her several times I realize she is mumbling and laughing mockingly at me. I get frustrated in asking her repeatedly and finally give up. I then get worried that she’ll break into the bathroom and hurt me. I lock the door. Most of my bathroom dreams are of someone or several people not giving me privacy and I am unable to keep them out. For those of you who do not know, my sister and I are long estranged. I hurt her years ago and she is too hurt and comfortable in her life to talk it out with me. That is my opinion since I do not have her take on it. It was years before I could think of her without crying and conceiving ideas of what may get her to talk to me. Last July, after another failed attempt at meeting with her in hopes of resolution, I locked that door in my life. Apparently, my subconscious just confirmed that.

The second dream that night had me being pursued by a man. Usually in these dreams I cannot run and I cannot yell for help. In this dream, however, I ran fast and screamed bloody murder. The man kept pursuing me. I got a little ahead of him and dodged into a corner to collect myself. As I was in the corner, I decided to get him. I rose into the air (flying dreams are very common with me) and slowly moved toward him. I stared him down the entire time hoping to intimidate him. Unfortunately neither the staring nor the fact that I was floating put him off in the least. The dream ended. I was safe. Often in these dreams, I am frozen with fear, unable to run or make any sound. Also common is that I realize I’m dreaming and do all sorts of things to my antagonist. I was just pleased to be able to run and scream.

I encourage you to pay attention to your dreams. They aren’t all grand messages. Sometimes it’s jus the day’s leftover mental slop. Sometimes they are purely entertaining. But every once in a while there is a gem, and in that gem, a lesson or a revelation or acknowledgement. I’m working on a story called the Dream Interpreter. If anyone want to preview it, let me know and I’ll send it to you.

I hope your Advent season is a happy one. I hope you feel that there is much worth waiting for. And in the waiting I hope you encounter blessings you would have otherwise missed.