I'm learning to love this rollercoaster

My first posting after starting language class was a bit frantic. I had some regret at committing to seven months of this intense study. I felt that I may have gotten myself in for more than I could handle. The next day - THE NEXT DAY - I was excited. I loved it. I was inspired. I was energized. I can do this! A few days later, I was back down again, defeated.

This trend has continued and has somewhat fallen into a predictable pattern. Take this past week, for example. I was uncomfortable heading into class Monday because we had to interview a native Russian speaker. I had not spent too much time practicing the questions because of all the other homework. To save time, our teacher had each of us take turns asking a question which took the pressure off asking 10 questions in a row. It was much more relaxed. I was down; I was up.

I am always nervous on the shuttle at the end of the day because I have just been given a load of homework. I often start it while riding home. I try to keep working until Doug comes home so I can spend a little uninterrupted time with him (which, truth be told, is dinner while we watch a program - oh, well, can't talk with food in our mouths, can we?). I always finish the work in time for class and we review it together for clarification and reinforcement. Also, the answers are in the back of the book - I just keep forgetting that they are there so I can check my own work. My nerves are settled again.

Another panicky time is just before lunch. Again, we are given a load of work to accomplish during our two hour "break" (which, we have pointed out to our teacher, ceases to be a break once we are assigned two hours of work; this does not matter to her). My stomach is growling and I have priorities. I also have responsibilities and the two fight each other. I wind up eating while I work and often finish with time to spare.

The peak of panic is Wednesday/Thursday. This is when we are assigned to memorize the dialogue of the week and deliver a narrative on a given topic to the class. Last week I had to describe the airport in detail. This was not easy - not because I had to do it in Russian but because I don't pay too much attention at the airport. I read signs and I follow them. Or I follow my nose to Cinnabon, my travel treat.

Friday was the day all this had to be done. The dialoge was easy, I did fine. My narrative was actually quite good. Whew! I had a (rare, lately) glass of wine when I got home Friday night. I was high (not on the wine). I boasted to Douglas. I called my mother and told her. By Saturday, I remembered the take home test. Yikes! So back down I went.

I'm surprised I don't have motion sickness all week long.

I am learning to appreciate and be okay with the 'downs' of my weeks. Sometimes my reaction to them is to forget Russian and read or watch a movie; needed time off. Sometimes my reaction is to study more, breathe and try to relax. I never neglect exercise and I'm keeping up on praying because, as I said in the past, I believe this is a package and, in keeping it complete, I will succeed.

When I'm riding on the highs, I have, outwardly, the same reactions. I'll take some time to relax since I'm feeling good about things or I'll study to keep the highs coming or to get ahead.

If I ever return to teaching piano, I'll be such a better teacher because of my being a full time student now. I will better recognize the panic in my students and be able to ease it. I will teach them to remember the highs when they are low to know that they will rise above this challenge. I will teach them to remember the lows when they are high so they aren't blindsided by them.

I like the mood of our classroom. Everything we do is for progress, not a grade, not to be judged (not yet, anyway, though judgement day IS coming, I'm told). When we want to stop and better understand something, we take only a little time for it. "We will keep moving forward as a class." Sophia tells us. That brought on another panic in me a few weeks ago. Now, I see the wisdom of continually moving forward even when I may not FEEL completely ready. We never leave anything completely behind, there is review along with new material. There is freshness in new material. Knowing we are moving forward regardless is oddly comforting. Today I took the take home test and I was lost in a great deal of it, I'm sure I did poorly. But instead of soaking myself in that feeling of failure, I'm moving on to this week's new chapter assignment and practicing the interview questions. This I know I can do well. I'll be high again pretty soon. (No wine.) If these highs and lows get to be too much I can always duck my head and scream.

What I'm about to write is gross. So if you gross out easily consider this the end and skip the last paragraph.

I had a drama teacher who gave us some good (though gross) advice once. He gave it to us after a particularly bad rehearsal. People were forgetting lines and blocking and didn't know what to do. He told us, "If you have a brain fart don't stand there and smell it - keep going, move ahead." He's right.